Or lust. Yesterday I was at the pool trying to get my swim workout in. I was in the “medium” lane. It was perfect. Just me and one other person. We split the lane so we didn’t interrupt the other person’s workout. Then after a few laps, I noticed someone wanted to jump into the lane with us. Ok, no prob. We’ll go back to circling in the lane. It happened to be a young kid. He was probably 14/16 years old. Somewhere in that age range. He jumps in and for a moment I thought he was drowning. But apparently that’s the way he swims. Then a few seconds later his buddy joins in. He’s also familiar with the drowning style of swimming. They get down to the shallow end of the pool and just stand there… talking. Now, I have no problem if you need to take a break, talk about the workout. But the whole idea of lap swim is to, oh, I don’t know, swim laps! These boys just needed a place talk without fear that a parent would overhear. So I dealt with it for a bit. But by the 5th time I tried to swim around them, I was fed up, so I moved over a lane to the fast lane since there was only one person in the lane. We could split the lane again.

These boys had the entire lane to themselves. Everyone else was crammed in the remaining two lanes – the fast lane and the easy lane. When I would get down to the shallow end, where they were, I could clearly hear their conversation. They were chatting about their girlfriends and if and when they would be having sex with them. It sounded like they had already had sex with different girls, but not their current girlfriends. And when I took another look at these kids, I swear, there is no way either one of these boys had gotten their first pube yet (sorry. that might offend a few of you, but these kids were young). They kept going with this topic. I understand as a teenage boy, this is a huge topic that consumes most of your thoughts on any given day. But come on… you can’t hang out outside on the baseball field or the baseball court. You had to choose the pool? A cement building that can pick up the smallest of sounds and bounce it off every wall and amplifies it exponentially.

I only got the hi-light reel of their love life. The best line I heard was from the dark haired kid. He said he was thinking that he in order to get his girlfriend in the mood, he would grab a bottle of wine, light some candles and some incense, and put on some Simon and Garfunkel because someone had told him that they found Simon and Garfunkel to be strangely arousing. And that he would have to pick up the cd and check it out. (At that point I think I might have snorted out a laugh.) Now, there are two things in that whole romancing the girlfriend scenario that he painted for everyone at the pool that I find fascinating – lighting incense and Simon and Garfunkel being strangely arousing.

First, this whole scene makes me think it’s some sort of 7-Eleven/corner mart/truck stop seduction. I probably should have asked if the wine was a neon green or pick color. Or was it normal wine color with a hint of nyquil flavoring? I had visions of the movie “Ladies Man” with Tim Meadows. But instead of Tim Meadows playing the Ladies Man, a very awkward teenage boy is the “Ladies Man.”

Now, let’s move on to the incense. Really? When was the last time you really lit up some incense? Was it to cover up some obnoxious smell that even the Lysol couldn’t get. Or was it the last time you smoked some weed and you had to cover up the scent because mom and dad were coming home. Perhaps you last lit up some in the 70s!

Now to the topic of Simon and Garfunkel being “strangely arousing.” I’d be willing to bet this was the kids mom or dad telling them this to keep them from having sex. I can’t think of any other possible reason why Simon and Garfunkel would be associated with arousing. The only song that comes to my mind that might even remotely be arousing in Mrs. Robinson and that’ just because of the movie The Graduate. My mom and her co-workers suggested maybe it’s I am a Rock. Or perhaps Bridge over Troubled Water or the Sounds of Silence (both of which probably describes their first time). I could go on… Slip Sliding Away, Keeping the Customer Satisfied, Fakin’ It, Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover, Song for the Asking, We’ve Got a Groovy Thing Going On…

This conversation between the boys kept up for another 10 or 15 minutes before I got fed up. I finally said, “Hey guys, If you’re not going to swim laps you really need to get out of the lap swim area. People are trying to do their workouts and you’re in the way.” To which the one boy responded, “Well do you want to switch lanes or something?” and now my response, “No. Because if you were to just hang out in the fast lane the other swimmers in this lane would kill you. You just either need to start swimming laps or move out of the lap swim.” I should have added, “While we appreciate the updates on your love life, we really care about your Degrassi High life. PS… good luck getting laid with Simon and Garfunkel. You’re gonna need it.” Unfortunately I left that out. They decided to swim down to the deep end of their lap lane and when I would swim down to the deep end in the fast lane, that’s when they’d move. They finally got tired of “swimming” and went into the sauna.