I spent a couple of moments on the TSA website to see what I could and could not bring with me in my carry on.  Well it looks like it’s gonna be a boring trip –  I can’t carry on or ever check the following things:

  • my tear gas – hey, you never know when a WTO riot might break out.
  • gas torches – in case Dr. Frankenstein is up to something (that’s Fronkensteen)
  • my collection of realistic replicas of incendiaries – I was hoping to get on Antiques Roadshow with my collection
  • spray paint – I was hoping to “urbanize” the cabin of the plane by taggin’ it.
  • chlorine for my pool/spa – it’s one of those blow up ones.  I carry it with me… I likes to bring the partay!
  • my 16 ounces of water – is it water or is it fire water?

Now seriously… are people trying to get on the plane with their personal sized tear gas or replicas or incendiaries?  I didn’t even know those existed!  And who’s packing chlorine?  Is there an emergency pool boy service out there?  Are people that rich now that they fly their pool boys around the world to make sure their chlorine levels are just right?  Here’s the kicker, some Retardo Montalban is actually trying to get on the plane with this stuff otherwise it wouldn’t be on the list.

It’s because of these people that I can’t take my water bottle with me.  But I can take a 3ounce serving or Jell-O or pudding.  I’m wondering if Bill Cosby’s got something to do with this.

And as I’m typing this Brian Williams is telling me that the TSA now is asking us to pack better.   And they posted a handy video to help us out. Brian Williams said it best, “Since Dick Van Dyke went on a business trip, no one has packed a suitcase like this.” Um, what if I’m not using one of those rolling type bags?  I’m screwed.  I’m checking my clothes.  And I’m lighting the candles and saying the rosaries that my clothes make it to Albany with me.  The rest of my stuff, a small knitting project, a book, a magazine, my makeup (including toothbrush and toothpaste), my phone and charger, my camera and my wallet.  It’s all getting thrown into a bag… I’m screwed… If you’re in line behind me, expect delays.