I was half watching the local news when a story caught my attention. Now the story was not that unusual – a superior court judge in Tacoma (Judge Hecht) is accused of patronizing a prostitute and felony harassment. I mean, can you name a judge that hasn’t been accused or these things? It’s not so much what he’s accused of that caught my attention. It was his defense and a few other comments he made while on the stand.
First, his defense. He says he can’t have sex. He even brought his doctor up on the witness stand to testify to this. His doctor agreed with his “I can’t have sex defense” and added “diabetes, a chronic skin condition, obesity and erectile dysfunction, as far back as 2001.” Nice doctor. “Yeah, he can’t get it up. And he’s a fat diabetic who can stop itching. Would you want to sleep with him? Apparently even he doesn’t want to sleep with himself.” Now I know the doctor was a witness for the accused. So he was probably told to lay it on thick. But what the heck does the chronic skin condition have to do with getting a little lovin’ from a male prostitute? I’m assuming he added that as the cherry on top of the sundae of his testimony. But wait, there’s more from the doctor. He even added that Judge Hecht had a “prominent cyst.” Two words: ewwwwwww and ewwwwww. They showed Judge Hecht and I can safely say, that cyst wasn’t on his face. One more time Ewwwwwww.
They also brought a couple of antique dealers to testify. Apparently Judge Hecht was a former antiques dealer. Ok, I can see calling a few business associates to give a statement as to what kind of guy he is. But at one point an antiques dealer by the name of, and I’m not making this up, Linda Lick, said that he used to frequent a now closed adult film theater. Now I know what you’re thinking. She screwed up and let the cat out of the bag. Wait for it… the reason he liked to frequent the theater was for their vending machine soup. Here’s the quote from the News Tribune, ““He loves the chicken soup at the vending machine,” Lick said, smiling. At the defense table, Hecht smiled, too.”
Where do I begin with that? No one’s buying “the chicken soup in the vending machine is out of this world” story. It’s call Cup-o-Soup. You can get it any 7-11, quickie mart. And I’m pretty sure you can get it at every rest stop in the continental United States. And if you think the only place you can get it, is in the vending machine at the local “whack shack,” you should not be on the superior court. I’m just saying, you’re judgment might be a bit cloudy. I don’t like touching vending machines in general. I can’t imagine what kind of “things” are living on a vending machine in a porn theater. I wonder if the vending machine chicken noodle soup is what lead to his diabetes, a chronic skin condition, obesity and erectile dysfunction and perhaps even his prominent cyst. Hell, that might not be a cyst. It could be where he’s been hiding his soup since he can’t get it at the theater anymore.
Thank you God… thank you for this awesome story. And I thought my life was bad. I don’t have a vending machine soup addiction.